


A Million Little Times

by MollyMaryMarie



Series: Wolfstar Prompts [15]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And apparently all I do now is write Wolfstar to Taylor Swift songs, Angst, Pining, Sirius and Remus had a secret fling, Sort of smut??? like a little bit, Unrequited Love, angst on angst on angst, illicit affairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:40:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28461027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyMaryMarie/pseuds/MollyMaryMarie
Summary: Remus knows he has to end the secret fling he's been having with Sirius over the summer, and he is not alright.A follow-up to For Whatever It's Worth, from Remus' perspective.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Wolfstar Prompts [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698766
Comments: 10
Kudos: 77





	A Million Little Times

_Make sure nobody sees you leave_

_Hood over your head_

_Keep your eyes down_

_Tell your friends you're out for a run_

_You'll be flushed when you return_

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sirius called out, keeping his tone hushed, the way he did when James was in the next room and Sirius had Remus pressed to the wall, his tongue in Remus’ mouth. Except James _wasn’t_ in the next room because he was at the bar, working. It was one of the few times that Sirius had been able to sneak Remus into his bedroom of the street-level flat he shared with James.

“Forgot to kiss me goodbye?” Remus teased, pulling at something that he hoped was there, but had seen no real evidence of it. With an arrogant smirk, Sirius _did_ kiss him, but only while he was pulling the hood of Remus’ jacket over his face. To hide it. To hide him. Just in case someone saw him leave.

“Tell Pete you were out for a run. You look a bit flushed,” Sirius said, cocking his eyebrow high as he pinched softly at Remus’ cheekbone. That something that Remus was pulling at ended in his own stomach, he could feel it lurch and drop and ache at the way Sirius seemed to enjoy this secret.

“I could just tell him the truth, you know,” Remus reasoned, fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket and not looking Sirius in the face. “After all, it’s not really a big deal. It’s just sex.” And even as he said it, he hoped Sirius would argue. He hoped Sirius would show the disappointment on his face. He hoped that Sirius would give him some inkling that it _wasn’t_ just sex to him. Because it certainly wasn’t to Remus.

There was no change in Sirius’ expression, no crack in his smile. “It’s not _just_ sex,” he said, and Remus let the hope widen in his chest. “It’s _phenomenal_ sex,” he clarified with an obscene roll of his tongue across the front of his glistening teeth while Remus struggled not to show on his face the overwhelming bitterness that had just evicted any and all dwindling hope from his chest.

“Right,” Remus said, and he tried to laugh, he really did, but it came out like a hostile scoff. “I’d better get going before James sees me,” he said, adding under his breath. “God forbid.” Without another kiss, or even another glance, Remus moved through the flat and slipped out the back door.

_Take the road less traveled by_

_Tell yourself you can always stop_

_What started in beautiful rooms_

_Ends with meetings in parking lots_

Just as he always did, Remus took the alley adjacent to Sirius’ flat. It was too conspicuous to take the street out front, too dangerous to go out the front door, too reckless to leave without the hood over his face. Nobody could ever know that Sirius would sleep with a bloke, especially not someone who looked like Remus – he could do so much better than Remus. Of course, Sirius never admitted it, but he didn’t have to say it out loud to see what was written in the air amidst his behavior. It was obvious.

All of this had started in the same way that it kept happening – with a mistake. It was a mistake for Remus to have let Sirius kiss him when he knew this would never go anywhere, when he knew that Sirius would never commit to him, when he knew that Sirius would leave once his curiosity was sated.

It was all James’ fault. He just _had_ to go and get engaged at the start of the summer break, and he and Lily just _had_ to throw a lavish engagement party to mark the momentous occasion, and they just _had_ to host that party in a hotel and Sirius just _had_ to insist that Remus wear something elegant.

Truthfully, it hadn’t even started at the party. It started at Remus’ parents’ house, in Remus’ bedroom, where Sirius had come to help Remus choose what to wear for the party. Even with Remus half-naked, it hadn’t started. Even with all the whiskey they consumed in that bedroom before the party, it hadn’t started. No, it started with an accident. A little too much to drink and a tumble over Sirius’ thick leather boots at the foot of Remus’ bed and the two of them tangled in a heap on the floor.

With Sirius underneath him, his lips centimeters away from Sirius’ mouth, Remus almost did something dangerous. Instead, most surprising of the whole damn thing, Remus _hadn’t_ kissed Sirius that night. Sirius had kissed him first, and Remus had just held on tightly. Until they heard Remus’ mother coming up the stairs to find out if everyone was still alive after all that noise. They scrambled apart.

Under awkward smiled and clumsy brushes of skin, they eventually made it to the party in the ballroom of the most expensive hotel in town, where Remus, with a belly full of whiskey, was allowed to entertain the fantasy of taking Sirius up to the Royal Suite, until he couldn’t pretend anymore that the kiss hadn’t happened, until he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t want to do it again, but _more_.

As the party declined and James and Lily were distracted with their goodbyes, Sirius pulled Remus into a dark, hidden alcove of the ballroom and pressed him tight to the wall, feathered his lips to Remus’ until Remus was clawing at Sirius’ suit jacket to pull him in, lips first, hips following closely.

It hadn’t taken long with Sirius’ tongue in his mouth to coax the truth out of Remus – how he wanted to take this conversation upstairs and make it last all night – and with all the alcohol in his veins, Remus wouldn’t have regretted it until morning. Except he didn’t have to regret it at all. Because Sirius had replied better than fantasy – with a very raspy, very graphic, and very enthusiastic, ‘ _Oh, fuck me_.”

And in the morning, Remus woke seven hundred quid poorer but with the weight of Sirius on his chest, and he thought it was worth it. Whatever _it_ was, whatever _they_ were. Sirius was worth it. It was an investment in the future, because he could love Sirius Black for the rest of his life, if Sirius would let him.

Somewhere between showering together and the inevitable _second act_ that followed and the uncomfortable silence of getting dressed and silently wondering where the fuck this was going to go, Sirius made the decision for them both. Maybe this was best kept as a secret. Just between them.

At first, Remus thought his heart had disintegrated into his chest, painting the inside of his ribcage with ash and smoke. The look on his face must’ve been obvious because Sirius quickly slid his hands up Remus’ chest to clarify that he certainly didn’t want this secret to end after only one night.

So, they didn’t end it. They kept it a secret. Over the summer, it evolved into something raw and desperate, a dreadful ache to be together that led them to sneaking into each other’s bedrooms long after midnight, meeting at questionable roadside motels because James couldn’t be convinced to leave the flat for too long, getting each other off in the bathroom of the bar where James and Peter worked, blowjobs in the backseat of Remus’ car that he drove all the way to the empty university parking lot.

_And that's the thing about illicit affairs_

_And clandestine meetings_

_And longing stares_

_It's born from just one single glance_

_But it dies, and it dies, and it dies_

_A million little times_

In the beginning, Remus thought he could do it, though he could make sex with his best friend seem meaningless and vapid and unemotional. He thought he could just take what he was given and ignore the fact that he may have been in love with Sirius long before he ever wanted to kiss him. The longer they stayed in this strange in-between, the more Remus found himself glancing across the room just to watch Sirius smile at him, the only one in the room able to see the secret in Sirius’ silver eyes.

That was the biggest problem of all of it. Those glances and those smiles were growing scarce. It was with a sickening quickness that Remus realized Sirius was growing _bored_ , the same way Sirius always did – with school, with girls, with hobbies. Never too long spent with one thing. Remus was the new thing.

There was only one thing Remus could do. He would have to end this before it became unsalvageable, before Remus was so deeply lost in love that he could never go back to being friends with Sirius again – not that it would be an easy task at that point, but he could suffer through it. He would have to, because the alternative was losing Sirius, entirely and permanently, and that wasn’t an option.

One last night. He would allow himself one more night to savor the naked skin he would never again get to see, to relish in the taste of Sirius’ tongue in his mouth, to treasure the way Sirius called out his name into the dark. He wasn’t sure he ever had to do anything more difficult than _stop_.

_Leave the perfume on the shelf_

_That you picked out just for him_

_So you leave no trace behind_

_Like you don't even exist_

When he left for Sirius’ flat that night, the last night before the new term started, he was wearing the jeans that hung loose at his hips because he knew Sirius liked the way the elastic band of his boxers was visible above the waist of his trousers. He chose a shirt that was a bit too snug at his shoulders because he knew the way Sirius would run his hands across the fabric to feel the tension. But he specifically didn’t put on the cologne that he picked out just for the way Sirius breathed him in when he wore it – he didn’t want to leave any trace of himself behind after tonight. Not even a lingering scent.

He didn’t say a thing of his plan for this to be their last night when he arrived, tapping softly at Sirius’ bedroom window, because he didn’t want it to hang dead in the air above them. Instead, he took careful note of the way Sirius smiled when he opened the curtain to see Remus standing underneath the window – soft and devious all at once. As Remus climbed inside, he tucked away the memory of Sirius’ fingers tensing at his sides, as if he physically couldn’t bear _not_ touching Remus. When Sirius pounced on him with an open mouth, his tongue moving inside Remus’ teeth the moment their lips were joined, Remus closed his eyes and tried to memorize the rhythm and the taste and the warmth of Sirius’ kiss.

_Take the words for what they are_

_A dwindling, mercurial high_

_A drug that only worked_

_The first few hundred times_

It was all too much. It was the end of something that was never even given the chance to begin. It was the conclusion of a story that was never penned. As Sirius kissed him for what felt like the last time, a montage played in Remus’ mind of every kiss and every whisper and every orgasm and every smile from across the room and every scarf worn to hide a love mark and every touch just a _little_ too fond.

Knowing it was the last time gave Remus cause to spend as long as he was allowed worshiping the skin under his lips, and he was already on his knees, praying over Sirius’ chest with his kiss. That prayer moved down Sirius’ stomach, into his hips, and Sirius’ hand went into Remus’ hair.

Keeping his tone hushed, Sirius whispered his praises, mumbled into his other fist as he bit down onto his knuckle in some effort to soften his voice. It wasn’t enough. Letting out an acrid huff of air through his nostrils, Remus buried his face between Sirius’ legs deeply, humming and sucking and choking and leaving Sirius in panting, cursing shambles underneath him, on the very cusp of release.

When he spilled out between Remus’ teeth, down Remus’ throat, his voice rose a little higher than he surely meant for it to go, calling out, ‘ _Oh, Remus, **God** , Remus_,’ and for a brief moment, Remus wondered if James might’ve heard it from the other room, but found he absolutely didn’t give a shit. If anything, letting this secret out might force them to examine what they actually _mean_ to each other. 

But James didn’t hear. And if he did, he didn’t come barging in for answers. Instead, Remus moved up to let Sirius collapse on his chest, the way he always did, but this time, Sirius said something that Remus wasn’t expecting. Trying to recover the breath in his chest, Sirius looked up at Remus, eyelids heavy and voice deep, and said, “How was I ever lucky enough to find someone like you?”

_And that's the thing about illicit affairs_

_And clandestine meetings_

_And stolen stares_

_They show their truth one single time_

_But they lie, and they lie, and they lie_

_A billion little times_

For only a moment, that hope returned. Upon its inevitable dissolution at the recognition that Sirius’ _luck_ was in finding someone who would have sex with him without emotional attachment, Remus was surprised to feel tears pooling at his eyes as Sirius laid his head back onto his chest.

The tears were angry and hot and bitter. As he leaned his head back onto the headboard of Sirius’ bed, they rolled down his temples and into his mussed hair. Why had he done this to himself? He wouldn’t dare blame Sirius, because he had _agreed_ to this, knowing full well where it would end. He let Sirius kiss him that first night knowing they would end up _right here_ , Sirius satisfied and Remus in tears.

With a strong clench in his jaw, he renewed his decision to end this. Tonight. Because Sirius would always say those empty words to him while Remus was screaming silently in return about how he was in love with Sirius, how he had _always_ been in love with Sirius, always _would be_ in love with him. 

_And you wanna scream_

_Don't call me kid_

_Don't call me baby_

_Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me_

_You showed me colors you know I can't see_

_With anyone else_

With a mumbling excuse about having to leave, Remus moved Sirius from his chest, moved to put his clothes back on, moved to put his life back together. Without Sirius in it. Now he knew, he and Sirius could never have just been friends. He would let it fade out naturally, or make it look like it had faded out naturally, but he would pull away and disappear and Sirius would probably never think of him again.

At first, Sirius argued, tried to convince him to stay. Instead, Remus interrupted. And he gave Sirius the speech he’d been dreading – maybe it was better that they don’t keep this thing going into the new term because Remus was going to be swamped with coursework and this would only _distract_ him.

Sirius agreed far too quickly. _Probably smart_ , he’d said with an amicable shake of his head as he pulled on his boxers, giving Remus the last glance he’d ever get of Sirius’ naked skin. It was becoming more and more difficult to hide it anyway, so it was better to just … stop it before the secret got out.

And Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to throw things. He wanted to _break_ things. He wanted to storm out the front door and tell James the truth and watch Sirius light red like a siren in his embarrassment at being even just physically attracted to someone as repulsive as Remus. He wanted to take Sirius by the face and force Sirius to tell him that Remus didn’t have a chance in hell with him.

Except he _didn’t_ want that. Because he wanted a chance. If he left now, with everything unsaid, he could always be left with the thought about whether it would’ve worked out if he’d said something, and he’d still have all the wishes and the what-ifs and the could’ve-beens. He’d still have the wondering.

_Don't call me kid_

_Don't call me baby_

_Look at this idiotic fool that you made me_

_You taught me a secret language I can't speak_

_With anyone else_

He’d left that night without another kiss. And they were still friends, he still saw Sirius around with James and Pete and Lily, at the bar and at the movies and out to dinner. And they still exchanged smiles and hugs and glances, but Remus closed it all off, moving out incrementally until he could be so far away that this would all be just a distant memory that maybe he could mistake for a dream.

He met another guy. A cute enough bloke with shaggy brown hair and soft brown eyes and hands that were always so cold and clammy that Remus took to hooking their pinky fingers together instead of holding his hand. He was extremely polite, hadn’t even tried to kiss Remus yet, constantly held the door open for him, called Remus pet names like sweetie and baby and fucking _cupcake_.

And Remus _hated_ it. Hated the pet names, hated he hand holding, hated the modesty and the properness and the inhibition. He wanted electricity and fire and chaos and a little bit of violence. He missed feeling a jolt at accidentally brushing someone else’s fingers underneath the lunch table. He missed being shoved up against a wall with a kiss so feral it felt like it left behind a mark. He missed drawing delicate circles into sensitive skin after hearing his name being moaned into the darkness.

He missed _Sirius_. Everything he missed was what he’d found in Sirius. His fervor, his fearlessness, his care, his body, his kiss, his smile. _Him_. Everything about him. And it suddenly didn’t matter at all if Sirius would turn him down, he would never know the truth if he didn’t try. And he had to _try_. 

_And you know damn well_

_For you I would ruin myself_

_A million little times_

His fingers were on the collar of his jacket, prepared to go, when he heard it. A scream. Someone screaming from outside, from underneath his window. He paused, wondering if he’d gone mad.

“Whatever he is to you, I could’ve been that, if you’d let me!” It was Sirius’ voice. There was something there, some strain that put Remus on edge, a slur in his words that made Remus worry.

In seconds, he was at the window, throwing it open to see Sirius standing underneath it, swaying in the grass like he was one drink away from losing all consciousness. Remus’ eyebrows furrowed as he looked closer to see tears slipping down Sirius’ cheeks, puffy and stained like he’d been crying for _hours_.

“Sirius, what are you –” Remus began to ask, but Sirius interrupted, slurring and shouting.

“I know it doesn’t matter anymore, but for whatever it’s worth –” He paused to take a very long breath before swallowing it down very hard, looking up, totally broken. “ _I’m in love with you_.”

Remus went still, blank, dumbstruck. “ _What_ ,” he breathed out. It wasn’t a question.

“I love you!” Sirius shouted, as if he thought it really _was_ a question, as if he thought Remus hadn’t heard him. The tears that he’d been holding back flooded down his reddened cheeks again, and he laughed, but it was the most desolate, empty laugh Remus had ever heard him make. “I love you,” he repeated, still looking up at Remus as though Remus had just shot him in the chest, while Remus was sure _his_ chest was the one wounded. “As if that isn’t the worst goddamn thing you’ve ever heard.”

Before Sirius could blink, Remus raced down the stairs only to find that Sirius was turning to leave. And letting Sirius walk away from him was the worst goddamn mistake he had ever made. He sure as hell wasn’t about to make it again. With his fists clenched tightly in the folds of Sirius’ leather jacket, he pulled him back, lips first, hips following closely. He kissed him just like that first kiss in Remus’ bedroom, he kissed Sirius just like he had in that dark, empty ballroom – desperate and clawing and terrified.

Whispering love and apology, Remus continued to kiss him, wishing aloud how he could take back the last week, how he wished he never would’ve left Sirius’ bedroom. But Sirius just shushed him, taking Remus delicately by the hand, winding Remus’ fingers into his own, and leading him back into the house, into that same bedroom where he had kissed Remus for the first time and so many times after that.

Remus wasn’t sure if it would last forever, but for the first time, he didn’t need to know. He could live in that space between faith and assurance, finally understanding every shared glance and every shared smile and knowing he didn’t have to wait long for the next one. Because Sirius was in love with him, and he knew Sirius was going to remind him of it. A million little times.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your comments, or you can send me a shout on tumblr [@mollymarymarie](https://mollymarymarie.tumblr.com/) ❤️


End file.
